The Love Guru: Review

Shit!!! Wait.. WHAT?? I paid to watch this turd of a film o the big screen? Fuck you Mike Myers! Fuck you!

Love Guru is about some black guy who has some issues playing hockey cause his wife is having sex with Jutin Timberlake so his manager Jessica Alba enlists the help of the Love Guru played by Mike Myers who's only doing this so he can get on Oprah. That's the plot of the movie. And it is complete shit!!!

Man fuck Mike Myers! I used to think he was cool with Shrek and Austin Powers but now I really wan to ring his neck and skin that Scottish cheese alive! The asshole not only starred in this shitty film,he wrote and directed it to. I watch this film and I can't see any parts where Mike Myers actually tried to make it intelligently funny. Ever bit of The Love Guru is practically a spit in the face for anyone who watches it. It's almost as if Mike Myers is saying, "I don't care anymore cause I'm rich." Man fuck you!

And Jessica Alba.. girl you're fine as hell but you cannot act for shit.In every movie Jessica Alba has been in, she delivers each line as if she's talking to a 7 year old kid. Like she has to speak slowly and emphasize on certain words.. Woman I don't know if that is really how you talk or that's you trying to act good, please please please stop.

And Ben Kingsley! Jesus Christ, Ben Kingsley actually stooped down this low to play a cross eyed Hindu monk in this film. People, some 20 odd years ago.. this was the same man who played Gandhi goddammit! And here we have him practically making a fool out of himself, talking in a funny Indian accent and doing that head shaking thing like he was a Bobblehead. Ben Kingsley what the hell happened to you??!!

The writing of the movie God I'm getting angry just thinking about it. The film hits everything that is lame and done before and try to pass it off as comedy. Who hasn't heard the Uranus joke or the Bangkok joke. You think you're movie qualifies to be a funny movie just cause you string together a line of shitty unoriginal jokes and padded them off with lazy slapstick?

There is only one scene that I found funny in here and that is the part where Jessica Alba does that little Indian dance and song.That was funny. But that was the only thing that I can say I liked in the movie. There is absolutely nothing else that is vaguely redeeming here.

This movie is nearly 2 hours long people. And there is nothing nice in this film. It's basically Hollywood glorifying itself by making a shitty movie and earning millions from it. This whole movie worked its way through shit to deliver the lousiest climax I have ever seen and that is two elephants fucking each other in an ice ring. Ooohhh so funny! You're such a genius Mike Myers.

To the people who were involved making this an to anyone who saw this and actually like it, "Fuck you! Fuck you're mother! Fuck you're family! Fuck you're entire neighborhood!"

RATING: 0/10

21: Review

You know what? I gotta learn how to do that card counting thing.If it means gettig loads of cash and banging Kate Bosworth at the same time, then why not?

So 21.. I like this movie. The film is actually based on true events of 5 MIT kids and how they changed the world of gambling when they found out a way of being able to determine what cards are coming out of the deck using Maths. The movie is about Ben Campbell, a young prodigy wit no life who gets drawn by his professor into the art of card counting. Every weekend, he and a team go to Las Vegas and win massive amounts of cash by card counting. But their winning streak is about to end when the Las Vegas security guys are beginning to figure them out.

But Kevin Spacey is fantastic as always when he plays villains. This man oozes suave from every pore and hits each line perfectly. Not much of a surprise that he was good in this, after all.. he is Kaiser muthafucking Soze!

Something that did bother me is that in the real 21 story, the main character was a Chines guy who also made a cameo as a dealer in the movie. But this is Hollywood and we can't have Chinese guys as the main character so we're just gonna put in Jim Sturgess instead. Yeah he did a great job but they had a Chinese guy in the cast anyway, so why cant they use him to be the main character instead of making his character one of those bumbling sidekicks.

And Laurence Fishburne is great here to. He hasn't had much roles since The Matrix series where he is playing a bad ass. It's nice to see him back playing those characters that are always one step ahead of the others and being one kick ass dude while doing it.

What I didn't like 21 and something they could have done without is all he frat boy humor. Yes this is a movie about college kids but with such great material for them to work around with, why Earth do they think they need to inject some useles teen humor to make the film good?

Oh and Kate Bosworth is hella hot in here. And when you have a movie that's set in Vegas and there's lotso hookers and strippers running around and the only girl you're looking at is Kate Bosworth.. Woo she's one good looking woman.

I can't really think of anything else that can make 21 a better movie.. bu at the same time, I felt that there was more the filmmakers could have done with the material. But yeah 21 is enjoyable, definitely fine to check out in the cinema.

RATING: 6/10

The Dark Knight Breaks $300,000,000 Record

Batman is kicking some serious ass right now. First the box office, then Christian Bale's mom and sis and now the IMDB Top 250 films.

The Dark Knight has broken another box office record by passing the $300 million mark in just 10 days, beating the previous record holder Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest's gross of $300 mil in 16 days. That's an entire week people!!

In edition to that IMDB has voted The Dark Knight as #1 in their top 250 films of all time. Surpassing cinema greats like Shawshank Redemption and the previous #1 The Godfather. Lets see how long they can hold on up there since Godfather fanatics are starting a petition to put Godfather back at #1.

A lot of speculation about Daniel Day-Lewis or Johnny Depp replacing Heath Ledger as The Joker. Now I like both these guys but I really hope they honor Heath's last completed performance and just leave it as it is and move on to something else.

There's also speculations about The Riddler being in the third one because of the appearance of Mister Reese (the accountant who tried to expose Batman on TV and cost Bruce Wayne a Lamborghini) in The Dark Knight. Get it? Mister Reese/Mysteries. But I don't think it's true cause The Riddler's real name is Edward Nigma.

Of course there's the rumor about Philip Seymour Hoffman being The Penguin. But I don't think he'll do it cause he's just too damn cool to do a comic book movie.

We'll just have to wait and see I guess.

Prom Night: Review

This film is bullshit. I actually enjoyed watching those kids die. I'll be even happier watching the filmmakers die in real life.

Prom Night is a remake of a 1980's slasher film whereby there's this girl who has a teacher that's obsessed with her to the point where he kills her whole family to get to her.So he goes to jail and escapes 3 years later to finish the job when she's on her prom night.

Any movie that has Johnathon Schaech as a bad guy is automatically a piece of shit film. I am a huge fan of this guy, he was in one of the greatest undiscovered films of the 21st Century, Sea of Dreams. And now here he is playing a psycho killer who I'm not even scared of and quite honestly.. I'm actually rooting for the killer.

Did they really expect me to like the main character of this movie? These people are some of the most obnoxious teenagers ever. They're the kind of people who bullied me in high school. And here they are going to prom in their limousine all dressed  in their expensive designer gowns and jewelery. I hated these characters. So when Johnathon Schaech kills Jessica Stoup.. I just went, " GHEAH!"

And we have Brittany Snow from Hairspray who's playing this girl who is apparently so beautiful that Johnathon Schaech kills her entire family just to get to her. I mean, Brittany Snow is hot and all, but I'm looking at her and I'm thinking ain't no one is ever going to kill for this piece of ass. hell no ones even going to stop playing World of Warcraft to take her shopping. They really expect me to believe that this girl is worth dying for? Bullshit.

And whats up with all the police in this film? They have gotta be the dumbest police I have ever seen. I mean, there are practically hundreds of them swarming this hotel looking for the killer and he is able to get out scott free and not a single one of them notices at all.But then again, it is Johnathon Schaech and he is awesomeness!

And for a slasher film, there isn't much slashing in this. We see the killer like stabbing people and slashing them ans stuff but there is hardy any blood and most of the violent parts happened off screen. And when they finally find the bodies, they have like small little paper cuts smeared with some tomato sauce. It was like watching Final Destination without all the violence and gore. Borefest!

What they should have done is make a slasher film where we have Johnathon Schaech going around with a killer tiara and start stabbing girls in the eyeballs and slashing the boys in the nuts. Now that would be a good movie!

RATING: 3/10