Camp Rock: Review

Okay, so I'm typing the first part of the review before watching the actual movie as a bet with my sister to see if I can predict how the movie turns out.

So it's gonna be like High School Musical. Girl is unpopular and under priveledged. Girl is a brunette. Guy is popular, handsome and the object of Bitch's desire. Bitch is rich and blonde. Guy hears Girl singing an unfinished piece of the Song that will be sung at the end of the movie and falls in love. Bitch gets pissed. Bitch and sidekick makes Girl's life hell. Guy and Girl grow closer together. Bitch lets out a 'disasterous' secret about Girl and Guy breaks up with her. Girl cries. Bitch is happy. Sidekick not happy with Bitch. Sidekick leaves Bitch and joins Girl. Girl makes comeback on some concert-like event and sings the Song. Guy forsakes all stereotypes and his usual entourage to sing with Girl as the camera circles around them. Everyone loves Girl again and Bitch cries. I will feel sorry for Bitch. Guy and Girl almost kiss but it's Disney so... Girl forgives Bitch and everyone are friends again. Everyone sing another song which will soon be the anthem of Camp Rock, thus spawning Disney Asia My School Camp Rocks! Dance Competitions. Now I'll go watch the movie.

Now here's the full review:

Am I not great? Huh? Whatever I said in the first part, totally acurate. Everything High School Musical was and you know what? This was far worse. The only person singing were the Jonas Brothers. The others were lip synching and the worst part was it was obvious.

So Camp Rock is about a girl who desperately wants to spend time in a prestigious summer rock camp which is currently being coached by a rock star being played by Joe Jonas. And the rest of the story? You know how it goes.

What the hell happened to Disney? Seems like the only good thing to come out of that studio these days are Pixar movies. They tried way to hard to sell you another recycled High School Musical and it might work if you are one of two things.
1) stupid or-
2) 7 years old

The whole movie was laughable and embarrassing, glorifying the same ol' Disney formula. With a bit of exploitation I might add. The only reason most girls would watch this was for Joe Jonas and man he had my sis at the edge of her seat the whole time. I reckon he had about 5 scenes were he was just sitting by the lake in his T and knickers as a silent "Don't change that channel girls, I might go SWIMMING" excuse and my sis was like "COME ON TAKE IT OFF BABY!!" I don't know if it's only me, but aren't you guys just sick of the Jonas Brothers?

I mean, it's not like their not good and all. Matter of fact I actually like their music. Buts it's like their all over the place for reasons other than music. Their in TV shows, endorsements, ads, movies, one may wonder how serious they really are about their music. And it's all going so fast for them that I can actually see them getting screwed up someday. And when that does happen, Disney is gonna drop them like they were nothing.

 One last thing that really bothered me about the movie was the main song they used. You know, like for HSM it was Breaking Free and for this it was a song called "This Is Me". Disney better pray Michelle Branch don't ever watch Camp Rock because This Is Me was an exact copy of Everywhere. The lyrics were different but the chord progression, intro and chorus were exactly the same. There wasn't even an attempt to disguise the rip off. It's either they got an approval from Ms. Branch or their gonna be getting a lawsuit very soon.

RATING: 4/10 (Say what? HSM3 is coming out? Yaaaaay)

Mamma Mia: Review

So Mamma Mia! is the film adaptation of the smash hit Broadway musical. it's about Sophie, a bride to be who wants to have her real father walk her down the isle of her wedding. problem is, neither she nor her mother knows who the dude is and she has three possible dads. And to shake things up, the whole film is told through the songs of ABBA.

I am the biggest Broadway geek ever but I never liked Mamma Mia! It was a poor excuse for a musical that didn't need much effort in the writing and orchestration of the songs. Unlike Chicago, Hairspray, Rent which had genuine original songs from the works of the stage people, Mamma Mia just borrowed popular songs which everyone already likes and kind of bypasses the hardest part of a musical.

But I love this film man. The key thing that makes the film version better than the stage one is the songs. Now if you listen to the stage Mamma Mia! the songs sound like they were sung by aunties doing the karaoke. But in the film version, there's lot;s of energy, fresh interpretation of the songs and the pure awesomeness of  Meryl Streep that makes listening to the songs so much fun.

And did I mention how much I adore Meryl Streep in this? This woman is hitting 60 years old and we have her dancing and singing and doing splits in this. She is with no doubt one of the most respectable actresses in Hollywood. I loved her in Deer unter, I loved her in Bridge Over Madison County and Out of Africa. And she can take mediocre roles like this and Miranda Priestly and still rock them.

Also special props to the incomparable Julie Walters and Christine Baranski who reminds me a lot of my mom and aunty. Seriously. Even their hairstyles look the same. Baranski is a total goddess in this film and her musical scene "Does You're Mother Know" is second best to Julie Walter's "Take A Chance on Me" oh and by the way, Pearce Brosnan singing is just dreadful.

I really like the art direction of the film. The blue and white color composition fits perfectly with the peaceful Greek island. I like the more subtler approach to the art style compared to the stage version which was more colorful and flashy. Which is great, but the blue and white was incredibly pleasing to the eye.

And the cinematography was awesome to. The wedding scene in the sunset is absolutely fantastic. And that wedding dress. Wow. Amanda Seyfried looks beautiful in that scene. Which is saying a lot, cause her face is kinda weird looking. Doesn't fit the proportion of her body at all. LOL.

It's a fun musical film that will surely entertain the older audience and won't bore us teens to death.

RATING: 7/10

Disaster Movie: Review

Why la like that. Cinema has always been good to me, they've given me Star Wars, they gave me Pulp Fiction, Harry Potter, Lawrence of Arabia, Casablanca... how on earth can a fuck up called Disaster Movie be shown on the same medium as these other movies. 

You wanna know the plot to this shit? The whole movie is a parody of Cloverfield. The world is being hit with these disasters, earthquakes, meteors, tornadoes and the only way to stop it is by returning the Crystal Skull back on it's alter.

The fuck ups responsible for this mess is Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the guys who did Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans and now they come out with a film that's worse than all the others combine. These muthafuckers, I want their goddamn heads dipped in Chili sauce, splattered over a tray on my door step tomorrow morning and I'll give the guy who does that my left nut! This guys must die. MUST DIE!

These movies have always known to be parodies. They come out and make "fun" or make references to whatever movie is popular at the time. And this this shit, they are spoofing movies that weren't even out yet at the time. Hancock, Sex and the City, Incredible Hulk, The Dark fuckin Knight, Iron Man. This is film making at it's downright sloppiest. I'll tell you what these assholes did, they went on youtube, looked at the trailers of popular movies and took the best scenes from it and string them together into one big piece of fuck.

And so I sit through the fuckin film only to reach the shitty climax where they introduce Indiana Black Midget Jones only to come out and tell the main character.... I'm you're father. WHAT??? Are these people even trying to make something bearable that isn't going to scar my cerebral cortex for life. These guys are the very worst people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing they exist in this world. They make lousy movies, earn millions ripping off idiots who go see them and the thing is that they are going to make more of them.

And you know what's sad? There's this wrestling scene in this movie between Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian all dressed up in tight leather and they still manage to fuck that up. I mean Kim Kardashian's tits are falling and flipping all over the place but the filmmakers instead zoom in on the most ridiculous of places. The zoom in on the boots, the zoom in on the nose.. FUCK.

The only thing I liked and the only thing these filmmakers parodied correctly was the writing style in Juno. And even that wasn't all that funny. The comedy in Disaster Movie hits every bottom rung of comedy. Shit jokes, fart jokes, puke jokes, silly slapstick. It's like they can't have a funny scene without shoving shit into peoples faces and having people beat each other for no fucking reason.

Whatever, I'm done talking about this movie. Now I need to go drink some whiskey and shoot drugs up my nose.

RATING: 0/10

Death Race: Review

Death muthafuckin Race baby! The kind of movie you get when you put Speed Racer, Happy Tree Friends and Natalie Martinez together! Anyone looking for one helluva time have gotta watch this movie.

 

The film takes place 4 years in the future where the economy has crumbled and the world is in this post-apocalyptic state. Wow it only took 4 years? The film must be showing what would happen if John McCain took over hahaha. So anyway, the world is spinning out of control, there are criminals everywhere, so what do the police do? They invent Death Race. A gladiator type race where cons fight to the death while it is streamed live to millions of Internet viewers.

 

In comes Jason Statham, a former Nascar racer who was framed for the murder of his family and is put in jail and forced to race in Death Race. The whole grand scheme behind this is incredibly convulated and makes no sense, so I won't even try to explain why he's in jail. Just know that after he starts racing, all hell breaks loose.

 

Damn the racing sequences were the shits! The action scenes were really over the top and so well done. There were even video game elements like weapon beacons and death beacons and stuff, it's gonna make any gamer wee in his pants I guarantee. The director really knows how to film action. The editing was super tight, things just get more intense one scene after another.

 

And I really love the gritty style of the film. The whole film is shot in this grey, white wash background. The buildings are all rusty and old. There's practically heavy machinery and metal everywhere you look. Such a contrast to the campy Death Race 2000 back in the 80's. 

 

And damn this chick Natalie Martinez is hot. Now, now let's be fair, she wasn't any good at the acting but that wasn't really why she was in this film. Death Race is exploitation at it's best. It takes all the things guys love, race cars, explosion, actions and hot women and mashes it all together into on heck of a crazy film that made no sense but kicks so much ass.

I don't get what all the hate towards the film is about. Critics are saying this film made no sense, had no plot, bad acting, glorified violence and had a poor script. Well... yeah. But what the heck did you expect from a movie called Death Race? This film wasn't meant to be The Godfather or anything. This film is just one of those popcorn films that entertains. And entertain it did.

I was hooked to this film from start to finish. If you just want mindless violence and ass, then this film delivers perfectly. I liked it. I got tits, I got ass, I got cars blowing up and carcasses flying all over the place, so I'm satisfied.

RATING7/10